Love, Marriage, and Thoughts of Strangulation?

I’ve been married since April 2021, which I understand isn’t an insurmountable amount of time. I’ve lived with my now husband since May 2019 and we’ve lived in 2 different locations (a 1 bedroom apartment and now a 3 bedroom house). He’s an Aquarius and I’m a Scorpio. We have almost a 3 year age gap. We’re both dog people and we’re both allergic to cats. We spent a month driving an RV up the West Coast in May 2022. Someone once commented, “Wow and you’re still married after that??”

A few weeks ago, I ran into an old friend (important context: she’s married and they have 3 children together) that I hadn’t seen since 2019. After a little basic chit chat, she asked me how I was handling living with my husband. The amount of sympathy pouring out of her when she asked that question was alarming. It was like when a girl gets her period for the first time and her mom pulls her into a room to explain that yes, you’re going to get these horrible cramps and feel like shit, once a month, pretty much for the rest of your life but it’s a universal experience so don’t worry. The first word that came to mind was “easy”. So I shrugged my shoulders and said, “It’s great. It’s easy.” To say she was shocked is an understatement. Several times throughout the rest of our conversation, she came back to that moment. “I can’t believe you said living with your husband is easy”. One time she told me about how she often wants to kill her husband.

The other day, Jacob had to get a new phone and he called me for his Apple ID password (I’d tell you why I have that information but then I’d have to kill you). I gave it to him and went about my workday. The employee at the store said, “My wife would never do that for me!” Help you when you ask for her help…?

Growing up, I remember all the tropes surrounding “marriage sucks, don’t get married”. Maybe it’s the generation of getting married right out of high school, before you’ve had the chance to really figure out who you are (I would like it pointed out that I know plenty of people who married their high school sweetheart and they have successfully figured themselves out, together). Maybe it’s from the generation of men who were finally called out on fidelity (no, you shouldn’t be sleeping with your secretary, married or not) and thought their wives were nagging them too much.

Speaking of nagging, I wanted to bring up a story I remember reading about Kristen Bell and Dax Shepherd. If you keep up with them at all, you know that they are chronic over-sharers who tell the world that they work extremely hard to stay married. While I heavily disagree with a lot of what they put out there, whatever works for you. They shared that they had a black out inducing fight because Kristen left Dax a note, reminding him to fold some towels. This sent Dax into a blind rage because he felt like Kristen was trying to “control” him. My opinions aside, I read this and was horrified… because I would constantly leave Jacob notes as reminders. I immediately stopped leaving notes and instead would verbally remind him… Several times. Finally, upset that he would consistently forget things, he said, “Can’t you just leave me a note to remind me?”

So I leave notes and that’s what works for us.

Since making this revelation that Jacob and I have a weird marriage (cause we don’t hate one another), I started asking people with healthy marriages, what makes it work (specifically new parents, because we do eventually want kids and that’s a huge change for a couple). Every single one of them told me the same thing: Communication. It seems simple, doesn’t it? Take the note reminders for example. Jacob communicated that it was easier for him if I simply left him a note. And now I leave notes instead of getting upset because he forgot something. When we get into an argument, communication is all we have. The desperate need for the other person to understand what happened to make them upset so that it doesn’t happen again. Me saying, “Jacob, can you do the dishes tonight?” is all I need to say. Do I wish he’d just do the dishes without asking? Sure. But the fact of the matter is, Jacob can live with dirty dishes way longer than I can. I can also go a year without washing my car but Jacob says it’s embarrassing for his wife’s car to be filthy so he washes it for me. Also, did you know you have to change out filters in ice makers? Jacob did. But he didn’t know that you can get tea/coffee stains out of mugs by mixing baking soda with some water and using an old toothbrush.

Maybe this post is just me bragging. Maybe I just got really lucky. But I think that, in the end, I knew what I wanted and what I was willing to put up with in a partner. Jacob knew the same thing(s). We’ve talked about other couples we’ve seen who lose themselves in jealousy because we both don’t have the patience for that emotion. We make sure that we can do our own things but that we ensure that we’re doing things together too. I don’t tag along with him to play disc golf because I’d rather cut off my own leg and he’s happy I have friends to go to high tea with because I’d probably have to take him to Taco Bell afterwards. We understand each other fully and when we don’t, we talk about it.

There’s a quote that I recently read in the book Cleopatra and Frankenstein (aka: my favorite book of 2024 so far), where Elenor’s mom describes what love should feel like:

Like earth. It grounds you. All this nonsense about love being a drug, making you feel high, that’s not real. It should hold you like the Earth.

Find someone who holds you like the Earth.