Worst Dates: Was that enough space?

Maybe 2009? And since the name doesn’t matter in this, names have been changed.

If I told you that a Mormon kid wanted to go on a date with me, would you believe me? My Puna (grandma) would always joke that God was going to strike me down for entering a Catholic Church (ya know, maybe once a year or so). I can’t imagine what would happen if I tried to walk into a Mormon Temple.

That being said, Elijah was a co-worker of my friend Julie . Are you starting to see a pattern? Don’t date your friends’ co-workers (only date your own). Elijah was younger and, as stated, was raised in the Mormon church. Was I attracted to the kid? No. Did I actually want to go on any date with him? Not at all. Did I somehow get involved with this? Yes. I think that at that time in my life, the guys I wanted to date weren’t interested in me and I started feeling like I didn’t have any options (you always have options). Elijah had texted me to invite Julie and myself to a birthday party for his best friend. Sounds great. It’s not 1:1 and I get to bring a friend. Did I learn nothing from this whole previous group date thing? Clearly not.

Quick pause to tell you that before I left for this party, I ended up being late because my dog (Harley), brought me a dead squirrel as a parting gift and I had to go get my neighbor to get rid of it. Was it an omen? Maybe, maybe not. But I’m going to say it was.

As soon as we get to this party… We realize it’s at his best friend’s parents house because it’s a family birthday party for this guy. Not like… a party with friends. Awkward. There were random old people who probably wondered who the hell these two random girls were and small children who wanted to play with us (that one turned out to be a plus). To say it was awkward was an understatement (take a shot every time I say “awkward” in this post. Awkward). The birthday boy’s little sister, who was maybe around 5, absolutely LOVED the two of us and claimed us as her own immediately. To be honest, she was probably our best shot at entertainment at this party. Because… well… it was awkward. We played with her for a solid amount of time until Elijah pulled me aside to remind me that I was his guest at this party and I should be hanging out with him, not some little girl. Okay, dude, this little girl was way more fun than you. I honestly don’t remember much after that except that the birthday boys’ girlfriend absolutely hated both Julie and myself (I’ll get to that one later) and I think Apples to Apples might have been involved. The thing about me back then is that I had zero balls. I had no idea how to excuse myself from the narrative of Elijah’s life. I was always the one that guys ghosted and bailed on, I didn’t have to do the ghosting and/or bailing… Which turned out to be a nightmare for Julie because every time she picked up her phone, he’d ask her if she was talking to me. I hear her voice screaming, “MY LIFE DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND LAUREN” in my head and while it makes me chuckle, I am really sorry about that headache. He worked the early shift at work and would regularly message me at 5am to say good morning. If I didn’t respond by 7am, he’d text again, several times in a row, until I responded to him. (Reminder: We still haven’t actually been on a date). During the day, if I didn’t respond to his texts quickly (~20 minutes), he’d get upset and start blowing up my phone. (Another reminder: We still haven’t actually been on a date yet). The last straw was a day I had decided to take a mental health day and skip class with my friend Jordan. We were gonna go to Berkeley and hang out around Shattuck and Telegraph. Before I hopped on BART, I texted Elijah and said that I needed a little space and time to figure things out (again, I had zero balls and didn’t know how to tell him I wasn’t interested). He had said okay and that he understood. I didn’t respond. Approximately 2 hours after that, he asked me if I was done “thinking” yet. I said no. About an hour later, he asked again if I was done thinking. I ignored him. He blew up my phone with simple texts (i.e. “Hello!” “Hi beautiful!” “What are you doing?”) for about 3 hours until I went insane and told him that I just didn’t think that he and I would work out but that I wish him the best. He seemed to take it well. The next day I saw on his MySpace page that him and that girl who didn’t seem to like Julie and myself at the awkward (SHOT) birthday party were talking about how I was a huge bitch that didn’t deserve him anyway.