Worst Dates: Boring

This was possibly also 2009.

This one is a doozy. Oliver worked at Starbucks with one of my friends boyfriends. I went in one day and chit chatted with said boyfriend and apparently Oliver took notice. Did I remember him when her boyfriend brought him up? Nope, not even a little bit. Did I agree to let her give him my number? Yes. (One thing I would tell 20-something Lauren is to stop letting her friends give out her number.) After he got my number, he texted me all during the day. He seemed cool and I figured I’d go on a date with him. Except that he absolutely refused to take me on a date. He wanted to come to my house and watch a movie. Did I want him to come over? Not even a little. Did I allow him to come over? You bet your ass. Looking back, yes, I realize why he wanted to come over but I was very naive back then and genuinely thought he wanted to watch a movie (lol). 

Anyway, let’s continue to show you all the other red flags I was shown but ignored. My parents were home (lol) which he was really annoyed by (sorry?) despite knowing that I lived with my parents. I waited outside with my dog. He pulled up and immediately told me to get rid of the dog because he’s afraid of dogs. Cool. As soon as he walks into my room, he says, “You actually read?” in a super disgusted tone. When I told him that yes, I do read and, in fact, I was an English Major, he proudly told me that he’s never once read a book in his entire life. Awesome. At this point, I was desperate to have the night end but I had no idea how to do that. So, I start the movie. As soon as I said I was going to start the movie, he lays across my bed (WITH HIS SHOES ON) with a huge grin on his face. That was the moment that naive Lauren’s brain went “Oh, this is why you refused to take me on a date”. Listen boys. At least buy the girl dinner before you try to bang her, okay? Or maybe even like, OFFER to buy her dinner. Or maybe coffee? A snack? Literally anything. Absolutely any effort would do. I sat on the edge of the bed, as far away from him as possible, which, he was immediately furious about. He asked me for a massage. Yeah, no. Gross. I said no, which he wasn’t happy with. He tells me that he has to run to his car for something really quickly. At that moment, I didn’t know if he was going to get condoms (you wish, bro) or a drug to roofie me (more likely) but I was not excited for his return. Which, as it turns out was perfect because he left. Because I was very stupid at this time, I texted him asking why he left (duh, we all know why he left). He responded by saying “Because you wouldn’t give me a massage”. I apologized (ew) and reminded him that this was the first time we actually met and that I wasn’t comfortable with what he was asking for (YOU GO GIRL). He quickly responded by telling me I was the most boring person he’d ever met. Okay Mr. I’ve-never-read-a-book-in-my-life.

Maybe 2-3 months after this night, I got a text from Oliver where he threatened to beat my ass if I didn’t keep his name out of my mouth. He proceeded to remind me that he knows where I live and that he had no issues killing my dog to make his point. The threats when on for about an hour, all just as vile and just as terrifying. I blocked his number and prayed that he didn’t follow through with his threats. I was terrified for MONTHS. Luckily, for me, he never followed through with his threats.

This was pre-screen shot times and I was actually called a liar regarding these texts. I had people I cared about literally tell me that Oliver wouldn’t send texts like that. It was a really great feeling except not at all. Being called a liar is a huge reason why women don’t come forward. We knew some mutual people who had heard some really horrible rumors regarding this guy and those rumors confirmed, to me, that I seriously dodged a bullet.

Lessons from my Worst Date stories?

  1. Don’t allow friends to give your number to anyone
  2. Don’t let random people come to your house
  3. If someone won’t take you on a first date, they’re not worth it
  4. If you haven’t gone on a date with someone and they’re already double or triple (OR MORE) texting you, gtfo
  5. If someone gets mad at you for hanging out with an adorable kid who wants you to play with them, they suck
  6. Date someone who has the same sense of humor as you
  7. Make sure the family drama is something you can handle
  8. Read a book. And if you don’t want to I guess that’s fine but don’t like, be proud that you don’t read and try to shame those who do
  9. Trust your gut.

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